Growing up without my mother….
An Anon had asked about my mother and I thought I’d answer.
found this Blog post and thought I would do my answers and share them.
How old were you when your mother passed/left? I Was 19 when my mom died. But, On another hand I felt like she ‘Left’ me emotionally and mentally at age 6. It at one point got so bad that my father decided to make the hard decision of putting my mother in a nursing care facility. Her Physical state was pretty bad and she was having troulbe with balance and walking, doing everyday things,etc. where she could be taken better care of.
Can you briefly share the circumstances surrounding your situation? My mother had all kinds of mental issues that slowly started to come to the surface a couple of years after I was born and increasingly got worse year after year until her physical side was affected too. My mother died at age 56 or 57.
Did her leaving/passing have an immediate impact? Absolutely. My father really had to step up and be both my mom and my dad to me. My mom went in and out of the nursing home for 2 months because they kept saying she didn’t belong there and that her “condition” wasn’t bad enough to where they felt she needed to live full time there. So, that was a battle that was on-going for a while until we finally got the help my mother and us needed. I say ‘us’ because my mother and I never got along well at all.In the time that she was still living with us I was always afraid she’d kill me with a knife or try and burn down our house while we were sleeping.
Who raised you? My father raised me.
How was her absence handled in your household? I think at that time My dad really tried to make sure I was ok. He worked from 6am-5pm and He really had to learn to cook a better variety of things for the both of us everyday. I had to cope with the fact that he couldn’t get me up every morning and send me to school on the bus;I had to now. So, I think it was a lot to cope with at that age but my dad and I made it work. I was about 10 I think when she stopped living with us and I really had to learn how to be independent and learn to get myself ready for school and I think I really learned responsibility at that time in my life.
How did this impact you?I think at that time from that point on where she was living somewhere else, I felt ‘good’ and ‘safe’ and felt like I could really live my life again. because she was ‘Out of the picture’ (so to speak.) But I still had to visit her and I basically was very indifferent towards her and Civil. I always hated visiting her and there was a lot of resentment between my mom and I.
What did growing up without a mother feel like as a child/teen? As a child, I hated standing out. I just wanted to be like everyone else. The special treatment bothered me most as a child. As a teen, I really struggled internally. When she died I didn’t cry. When I got my period. I knew what a period was, but I had a hard time talking to my dad about it. It was so stressful. I hated asking him for feminine hygiene products as much as he hated buying them. I sobbed for most of the evening by myself. I am sure at that point, it was all the bottled up years of grief that spilled out that night.
How do you feel her absence has influenced you as an adult?My mom loved horses and I seem to have caught the horse “bug”. When I’m working with my horse I always catch my self asking ‘is this how I should handle this?’ and I find myself wishing I could ask her what to do or if i’m doing something wrong. just wish so desperately that I could ask her. I also have this notion that when I meet people for the first time that they can tell right away that I grew up without a mom. As if there is a neon sign over me that says, “motherless daughter/lonely child.” But I also think having to rely on myself at such a young age forced me to develop survival and coping skills. Also her death put into perspective which things in life are a big deal and which aren’t.
In what ways has her absence influenced your ideas about motherhood? It made me NOT want to be a mother. It has made me scared to have children with the fear that I’ll end up in the same way she had. I realized at about age 14 that she didn’t want to be a mother. when she found out she was pregnant she wouldn’t take the right medications, wouldn’t stop hanging out at bars in smokey places. (although she never drank any alcohol),she never really seemed to take becoming a parent very seriously. she wouldn’t listen to any doctors. It was basically ‘My way or no way’ with her. I think back on it and I really feel like she was never ready for the responsibility of being a mother.
What do you feel is misunderstood about motherless children? As I said before, I hated the special treatment and attention I received after her death. I just wanted to go on with my life without being whispered about. I wanted a return to normalcy as quickly as possible.
How do you feel about your mother today? I feel anger, sadness, resentment, abandonment and all other emotions I can’t even begin to write. I don’t think I ever truly tried to love my mother, she was just always there. although I think even though she said at times that she loved me she hardly ever showed it to me. She also never gave me anything to respect about her. she was like a body without a soul after it was all said and done.
How do you handle Mothers Day? I don’t acknowledge it. I don’t talk about it, I don’t think about it at all. I guess it’s kind of like the saying ‘Ignorance is Bliss’ If I don’t think about it then it’s not there.
How have you healed? As you can clearly tell,I haven’t. I don’t even know If I really want to. At age 21 I’m still processing my feelings towards my mother. how I should actually feel? and what I WANT to feel. because I have this sort of grudge thing like it will always protect me from getting hurt again. I don’t know If this sense of abandonment will ever go away. There are so many feelings that I have buried under everything else that I don’t know if I can heal.
Right now, it seems like my sister Amy is going through something similar. She has just returned from Europe, where she toured with an elite equestrian team for several months. Paris. Rome. Five-star accommodations. Honestly? What’s not to love? And, by all accounts, she had the experience of a lifetime, beyond what she had even imagined.
But… sometimes after you’ve been away, you return home and quickly realize that although things have stayed pretty much the same, people have adjusted to your absence… and moved on.
It suddenly strikes you: life won’t stop for you.
Broadening your horizons and taking on new experiences is a wonderful thing… but it can also cause you to feel disconnected from home and those you love.
So, I think it’s only natural that Amy is struggling to readjust right now. And the only solution I know for what she’s going through – is time.
soisle said: Amazing! :)
I know!! :) I honestly don’t know how it happened. :D
oh,well thank you!! :) would you happen to know where this jacket is from?? I can’t seem to find it myself…lol you’re NOT stupid, anything you guys find that I haven’t found correctly please let me know and I’ll fix it! ;)
By the end of Heather Conkie’s script for “There and Back Again,” Ty and Amy had made up, but the kiss Georgie witnessed online is going to get back to Ty at some point. That, along with the fact Ahmed gave Amy that necklace, is going to test their strength as a couple and challenge their trust.
Why was Jack so reluctant to tell the family that he and Lisa were married? Was he ashamed?
Does anyone else think it was kind of jerky for Tim to make that horse deal knowing it would screw up Ty and Caleb’s plans?
12.My last dream was about cooking something in my barn with and oven and almost burning my barn down…LOL I don’t think that dream means anything.
27.I actually really wanted to pursue a singing career for years because everyone had/has told me I have a good singing voice and I’ve done a demo to send out to schools/companies but I decided I wouldn’t Like all the attention (If I ever became popular.)and the no privacy thing so I quit. I even performed in my high school talent show one year. also, because I have severe stage freight.
32.hmmm, well, we have 2 baths and 2 bedrooms. I think our basement is pretty big. I really don’t know I guess it’s ‘Average’? lol
37.hahaha! probably ‘Shit’ OR ‘Fuck’
42.Like, juging about others intentions? then I’d say i’m ok, I think my dad is much better at figuring others out. (if they are good or bad)
55.hm, I don’t know…I’ll have to get back to you on that one.